By Rabbi Daniel Yaakov Travis
Introduction -The Torah View of Letting Off Steam
There are those great individuals who can hack it. I once asked my Rosh Yeshiva Rav Tzvi Kushalefsky how he dealt with the bizyonos of fund raising. He told me, "Bizyonos, that's great!" Not all of us can stomach insults this well.
The Chazon Ish said every period in history has a disease which can't be cured. In our times this is low self esteem. Society has turned us into numbers, and has taken away our sense of self. As a result we often feel lousy about ourselves, that we are good for nothing.
We should not think less of ourselves because we have this feeling. Rav Shach used to say about himself, "At times I feel so low I want to take my Gemara and throw it out the window. During these times we have to strengthen ourselves, and try to hold on until "the good times start." How do we do this?
In recent times psychologists have stumbled upon a number of concepts which have been available in Torah sources for thousands of years. Especially sefer Mishle is packed with wisdom that can enhance many areas of our lives greatly.
The pasuk in Mishle (12,25 [same as that famous vacation day on the American calendar]) says "If you have troubles in your heart, yesichena, The Gemara (Yuma 75a and Sota 42b) writes that some explain that this means one should take it off his mind (hesach hadaas) and some explain this to mean talk to others (sicha).
The Anaf Yosef in Yuma (75a [top of page]) explains that when a person has something bothering him it is heavy in his heart. By speaking it out, he gets it off his chest and once it is out he feels much better. We even find that a person wanted to give a harsh retaliation but if he speaks about it he will not feel such a push to do so.
The Anaf Yosef adds a fascinating point - that we can learn this concept from Hashem. The pasuk says "Hashem was conciliated about that which he spoke about that [punishment] which he spoke about His nation [Klal Yisrael]. These pasukim are meant to teach us the power of getting upset feelings off of our chests.
The Riff (Sota 42b) says that there is really no dispute. If a person has something bothering them he should tell it to a friend. They will help him find a positive side to the situation and that will take their mind off the problem. This is why the pasuk ends "for they will say a good thing to them".
The Maharasha (Sota 42b) adds that the end of the pasuk says "A good word can make someone happy." The Maharasha explains that the pasuk is specifically talking about telling people divrei Torah which give them simcha. Sometimes the right vort can reframe a situation and help a person see things in a new light. In fact the Ramban says that this is the pshat in Nechama, is reframing a situation.
The Malbim however says the pasuk means put positive thought in their mind. A good word can mean telling the person an honest compliment. If a person feels lousy about themselves, at times showing them they are not so bad can really pick them up. Listening what they have to say and get it off their chest, together with telling them a good word to make them feel better is a two pronged attack to fight depression.
The worst thing you could say to a person who has problems is, "It’s not so bad." Some people, especially after spending time in yeshiva or seminary make the mistake that the best thing to tell their friends who have problems is, "Get a hold of yourself, Have more bitachon!" There could be no greater error.
Generally a person just has to be heard out and they will feel better letting off steam and getting the issues off their chest. However this often involves hearing lashon hara. In these instances may she say what she needs and may one listen to what her friend has to say?
S*T*A*R*B*U*C And The Seven Conditions For Relaying Lashon Hara
In Chapter ten of Sefer Chafetz Chaim, the Chafetz Chaim writes seven conditions needed to speak lashon hara l'toeles:
1. See [the incident yourself]
2. Think [if really transgressed].
3. Accuracy [don't exaggerate story]
4. Reproof [to the transgressor beforehand].
5. Beneficial [intentions of speaker].
6. Utilizing [ways other than lashon hara].
7. Causing [no additional damage].
The acronym is S*T*A*R*B*U*C. One of the hardest things about shemiras halsahon is remembering these seven conditions. If you remember this acronym of S*T*A*R*B*U*C you have a powerful tool to guard your tongue. [The coffee store itself is problematic since it sells non – kosher items, but it's name makes for a good acronym].
At the end of the chapter (10,14) the Chafetz Chaim sums up these seven principles. In a footnote on the fifth principle, that the speaker should have in mind toeles, the Chafetz Chaim adds a footnote, "Efshar (It could be) that if one's intention is to remove worry from his heart, this is considered positive intention.
As explained in the introduction Chazal say if a person has worries in his heart he should speak to others (Yuma 75a). Based on this the Chafetz Chaim writes that this may be considered beneficial intentions. However one should be careful to stick to all of the above mentioned seven conditions.
(Rabbi Travis is Rosh Kollel of Kollel Toras Chaim in Yerushalayim and is the author of Shaylos U'Teshuvos Toras Chaim and "Praying With Joy – A Daily Tefilla Companion" a practical daily guide to improving one's prayers, available from Feldheim Publishers.)
Using the Seven Conditions to Let Off Steam
Are these seven conditions applicable? Let's analyze the following question and go through them one by one. A mother is about to leave the house to a simcha and her sweet teenage son sets up a prank when she opens the door he pulls a string and a cup of mud spills on her. She doesn’t have another clean outfit and cannot attend the simcha. Can she tell her husband what happened?
1. See yourself – Very crucial. Just because someone else did an aveira and told you rechilus about yourself, does not give you the right to do an aveira and speak about them.
2. Think if really transgressed – Before getting something off one's chest the speaker has to make sure that the person really did something bad to them. Maybe they upset us because we did something worse to them.
3. Accuracy – This condition is very important. Don't make a mountain out of a molehill. Especially when speaking to a spouse about children, we do not want to cause an overly harsh reaction.
4. Reproof beforehand – This halacha is more relevant in a case where we are telling other people to avoid association with a certain person. Then one must first speak to the alleged transgressor. However if someone has hurt us and we are trying to alleviate the pain caused giving them tochacha might just make matters worse. One must decide based on the circumstances. However, if possible we should try to speak to them first for a different reason. At times we miss read the situation, and if we speak to the person about it we will see that in truth they did not mean to hurt us at all. If one tries giving them tochacha and they maintain their position then you have fulfilled your obligation.
5. Beneficial intentions – Alleviating anguish is considered a beneficial intention. However we should be sure that this is really what is motivating us, and not revenge, belittling the other person, the need to complain, or another negative midda. If you have a difficult time functioning i.e. you have trauma, this is a sign that this is daga b'lev ish. On the other hand if you tell more than one person or rely on this leniency frequently you have shown your motivations are not positive.
6. Utilizing ways other than lashon hara – Certainly preferable but not always possible. Use your discretion. If possible it is preferable to say the story without mentioning any names, but in general this will not ease the anguish of what happened.
7. Causing no additional damage – This is very important. Choose your listener carefully. If you know that she may over react, then find someone else to be your confidant. [Some people are very bad at holding secrets. Telling them is like telling the NY Times. This type of personality does not make for a good confidant. It is forbidden to relay information like this to individuals who are not careful regarding the halachos of lashon hara].
The Reason For This Leniency and It's Practical Ramifications
Some explain this halacha as follows: When the person involved transgressed by doing an action which causes you anguish, to some extent hey take on the status of a rodef, someone who is chasing after you to hurt you. Under such conditions, you have a right to dispel the pain caused by their actions by relating the story to others. According to this understanding one would only be permitted to related the lashon hara if the person who upset you actually transgressed in the process (Nesiv Chaim).
Others explain that even if the person involved has not transgressed against you, a person has a right to emotional stability. This is called positive intentions and is not considered lashon hara (Chelkas Binyamin).
Halacha Lma'aseh
The Chafetz Chaim brought that it is efshar, possible, that letting off steam might be considered beneficial intention. The Chafetz Chaim chose his words carefully. Why does he phrase this halacha in such a way?
Rav Hominer who wrote the sefer Ikrei Dinim (10,119) quotes all of the other dinim the Chafetz Chaim wrote in this section but leaves this halacha out. He understood that since the Chafetz Chaim wrote this as efshar, a possibility and not as a definite halacha, it is not l'maaseh. The reason for this is it could be used frequently and could cause a michshol (letter from Rav Hominer cited in Zeh Hashulchan 1). This is also the opinion of HaGaon Rav Shternbuch shlita and HaGaon Rav Azriel Aeurbach shlit"a.
Rav Hominer also adds that it is extremely difficult to make sure and fufill all seven tanayim needed to permit speaking lashon hara in this fashion.
The Nesiv Chaim however brings a number of proofs that the lashon of efshar does not mean that the Chafetz Chaim was in doubt regarding this issue and did not consider it to be halachah, rather efshar only means that no one else said this, i.e. it is a chidush of the Chafetz Chaim, but it is halacha lmaaseh. However at the end of his sefer he brings proofs that sometimes efshar means possible and sometimes it means definitely. Chazon Ish and other gedolim would sometimes write efshar as a sign of humility, even when they held a certain way l'halachah.
The two opinions can be reconciled as follows. One should only use this heter sparingly, for otherwise it will certainly be a michshol and cause people to speak lashon hara in other circumstances. However when a person really needs to let off steam and the applicable conditions have been met, then one may use this heter, as long as he proceeds with caution.
Even when using this heter one must be careful that the damage will not outweigh the gain. The Sefer Chasidim (655) brings a very nice asmachta from the pasuk "In night there are tears and in the morning joy". Often at night something seems tragic but when we wake up we can't remember what was bothering us. Saying lashon hara could ruin someone's reputation and can only be justified if the emotional pain caused is great (Marpeh Lashon 8, page 206).
Husband and Wife
Rav Shternbuch told me that his father wrote a letter to the Chafetz Chaim asking if one spouse could say lashon hara to the other since we have a principle ishto k'gufo. The Chafetz Chaim replied negatively.
Nonetheless Rav Hutner said part of a husband's responsibility for his wife's emotional welfare, and therefore must be that he can hear out her problems. However that is only if he follows all of the other conditions of shemiras halashon (10,2), e.g. that he has intention for toeles.
At times it is better to have an outside confidant if possible since it can put a damper on the relationship if spouses are frequently letting off steam to each other.
Spouses should be especially careful when speaking about their children. A husband or wife might over react and punish more than is deserving. Hitting should almost never be applied today.
The Chafetz Chaim (8,10) specifically says that spouses should not relate to each other everything that someone did to them for this will cause machlokes.
Summation
1. Even though the Chafetz Chaim notes the possibility of a heter to speak lashon hara to remove emotional pain, it is far from a straightforward issue.
2. One can only rely on this leniency if all seven conditions are met.
3. Even then it can only be used occasionally when one really feels great anguish about what happened.
4. The toeless of this shiur is if we are able to remember before speaking that there are conditions required. Something which is on our minds makes and impression on us. If we remember the issue, hopefully we will refrain with more frequency from speaking lashon hara.
