Letting Off Steam, Relating Lashon Hara For One's Emotional Well Being

By Rabbi Daniel Yaakov Travis

Introduction -The Torah View of Letting Off Steam

There are those great individuals who can hack it. I once asked my Rosh Yeshiva Rav Tzvi Kushalefsky how he dealt with the bizyonos of fund raising. He told me, "Bizyonos, that's great!" Not all of us can stomach insults this well.

The Chazon Ish said every period in history has a disease which can't be cured. In our times this is low self esteem. Society has turned us into numbers, and has taken away our sense of self. As a result we often feel lousy about ourselves, that we are good for nothing.

We should not think less of ourselves because we have this feeling. Rav Shach used to say about himself, "At times I feel so low I want to take my Gemara and throw it out the window. During these times we have to strengthen ourselves, and try to hold on until "the good times start." How do we do this?

In recent times psychologists have stumbled upon a number of concepts which have been available in Torah sources for thousands of years. Especially sefer Mishle is packed with wisdom that can enhance many areas of our lives greatly.

The pasuk in Mishle (12,25 [same as that famous vacation day on the American calendar]) says "If you have troubles in your heart, yesichena, The Gemara (Yuma 75a and Sota 42b) writes that some explain that this means one should take it off his mind (hesach hadaas) and some explain this to mean talk to others (sicha).

The Anaf Yosef in Yuma (75a [top of page]) explains that when a person has something bothering him it is heavy in his heart. By speaking it out, he gets it off his chest and once it is out he feels much better. We even find that a person wanted to give a harsh retaliation but if he speaks about it he will not feel such a push to do so.

The Anaf Yosef adds a fascinating point - that we can learn this concept from Hashem. The pasuk says "Hashem was conciliated about that which he spoke about that [punishment] which he spoke about His nation [Klal Yisrael]. These pasukim are meant to teach us the power of getting upset feelings off of our chests.

The Riff (Sota 42b) says that there is really no dispute. If a person has something bothering them he should tell it to a friend. They will help him find a positive side to the situation and that will take their mind off the problem. This is why the pasuk ends "for they will say a good thing to them".

The Maharasha (Sota 42b) adds that the end of the pasuk says "A good word can make someone happy." The Maharasha explains that the pasuk is specifically talking about telling people divrei Torah which give them simcha. Sometimes the right vort can reframe a situation and help a person see things in a new light. In fact the Ramban says that this is the pshat in Nechama, is reframing a situation.

The Malbim however says the pasuk means put positive thought in their mind. A good word can mean telling the person an honest compliment. If a person feels lousy about themselves, at times showing them they are not so bad can really pick them up. Listening what they have to say and get it off their chest, together with telling them a good word to make them feel better is a two pronged attack to fight depression.

The worst thing you could say to a person who has problems is, "It’s not so bad." Some people, especially after spending time in yeshiva or seminary make the mistake that the best thing to tell their friends who have problems is, "Get a hold of yourself, Have more bitachon!" There could be no greater error.

Generally a person just has to be heard out and they will feel better letting off steam and getting the issues off their chest. However this often involves hearing lashon hara. In these instances may she say what she needs and may one listen to what her friend has to say?

S*T*A*R*B*U*C And The Seven Conditions For Relaying Lashon Hara

In Chapter ten of Sefer Chafetz Chaim, the Chafetz Chaim writes seven conditions needed to speak lashon hara l'toeles:

1. See [the incident yourself]
2. Think [if really transgressed].
3. Accuracy [don't exaggerate story]
4. Reproof [to the transgressor beforehand].
5. Beneficial [intentions of speaker].
6. Utilizing [ways other than lashon hara].

7. Causing [no additional damage].

The acronym is S*T*A*R*B*U*C. One of the hardest things about shemiras halsahon is remembering these seven conditions. If you remember this acronym of S*T*A*R*B*U*C you have a powerful tool to guard your tongue. [The coffee store itself is problematic since it sells non – kosher items, but it's name makes for a good acronym].

At the end of the chapter (10,14) the Chafetz Chaim sums up these seven principles. In a footnote on the fifth principle, that the speaker should have in mind toeles, the Chafetz Chaim adds a footnote, "Efshar (It could be) that if one's intention is to remove worry from his heart, this is considered positive intention.

As explained in the introduction Chazal say if a person has worries in his heart he should speak to others (Yuma 75a). Based on this the Chafetz Chaim writes that this may be considered beneficial intentions. However one should be careful to stick to all of the above mentioned seven conditions.

(Rabbi Travis is Rosh Kollel of Kollel Toras Chaim in Yerushalayim and is the author of Shaylos U'Teshuvos Toras Chaim and "Praying With Joy – A Daily Tefilla Companion" a practical daily guide to improving one's prayers, available from Feldheim Publishers.)



Using the Seven Conditions to Let Off Steam

Are these seven conditions applicable? Let's analyze the following question and go through them one by one. A mother is about to leave the house to a simcha and her sweet teenage son sets up a prank when she opens the door he pulls a string and a cup of mud spills on her. She doesn’t have another clean outfit and cannot attend the simcha. Can she tell her husband what happened?

1. See yourself – Very crucial. Just because someone else did an aveira and told you rechilus about yourself, does not give you the right to do an aveira and speak about them.
2. Think if really transgressed – Before getting something off one's chest the speaker has to make sure that the person really did something bad to them. Maybe they upset us because we did something worse to them.
3. Accuracy – This condition is very important. Don't make a mountain out of a molehill. Especially when speaking to a spouse about children, we do not want to cause an overly harsh reaction.
4. Reproof beforehand – This halacha is more relevant in a case where we are telling other people to avoid association with a certain person. Then one must first speak to the alleged transgressor. However if someone has hurt us and we are trying to alleviate the pain caused giving them tochacha might just make matters worse. One must decide based on the circumstances. However, if possible we should try to speak to them first for a different reason. At times we miss read the situation, and if we speak to the person about it we will see that in truth they did not mean to hurt us at all. If one tries giving them tochacha and they maintain their position then you have fulfilled your obligation.
5. Beneficial intentions – Alleviating anguish is considered a beneficial intention. However we should be sure that this is really what is motivating us, and not revenge, belittling the other person, the need to complain, or another negative midda. If you have a difficult time functioning i.e. you have trauma, this is a sign that this is daga b'lev ish. On the other hand if you tell more than one person or rely on this leniency frequently you have shown your motivations are not positive.
6. Utilizing ways other than lashon hara – Certainly preferable but not always possible. Use your discretion. If possible it is preferable to say the story without mentioning any names, but in general this will not ease the anguish of what happened.
7. Causing no additional damage – This is very important. Choose your listener carefully. If you know that she may over react, then find someone else to be your confidant. [Some people are very bad at holding secrets. Telling them is like telling the NY Times. This type of personality does not make for a good confidant. It is forbidden to relay information like this to individuals who are not careful regarding the halachos of lashon hara].



The Reason For This Leniency and It's Practical Ramifications

Some explain this halacha as follows: When the person involved transgressed by doing an action which causes you anguish, to some extent hey take on the status of a rodef, someone who is chasing after you to hurt you. Under such conditions, you have a right to dispel the pain caused by their actions by relating the story to others. According to this understanding one would only be permitted to related the lashon hara if the person who upset you actually transgressed in the process (Nesiv Chaim).

Others explain that even if the person involved has not transgressed against you, a person has a right to emotional stability. This is called positive intentions and is not considered lashon hara (Chelkas Binyamin).

Halacha Lma'aseh

The Chafetz Chaim brought that it is efshar, possible, that letting off steam might be considered beneficial intention. The Chafetz Chaim chose his words carefully. Why does he phrase this halacha in such a way?

Rav Hominer who wrote the sefer Ikrei Dinim (10,119) quotes all of the other dinim the Chafetz Chaim wrote in this section but leaves this halacha out. He understood that since the Chafetz Chaim wrote this as efshar, a possibility and not as a definite halacha, it is not l'maaseh. The reason for this is it could be used frequently and could cause a michshol (letter from Rav Hominer cited in Zeh Hashulchan 1). This is also the opinion of HaGaon Rav Shternbuch shlita and HaGaon Rav Azriel Aeurbach shlit"a.

Rav Hominer also adds that it is extremely difficult to make sure and fufill all seven tanayim needed to permit speaking lashon hara in this fashion.

The Nesiv Chaim however brings a number of proofs that the lashon of efshar does not mean that the Chafetz Chaim was in doubt regarding this issue and did not consider it to be halachah, rather efshar only means that no one else said this, i.e. it is a chidush of the Chafetz Chaim, but it is halacha lmaaseh. However at the end of his sefer he brings proofs that sometimes efshar means possible and sometimes it means definitely. Chazon Ish and other gedolim would sometimes write efshar as a sign of humility, even when they held a certain way l'halachah.

The two opinions can be reconciled as follows. One should only use this heter sparingly, for otherwise it will certainly be a michshol and cause people to speak lashon hara in other circumstances. However when a person really needs to let off steam and the applicable conditions have been met, then one may use this heter, as long as he proceeds with caution.

Even when using this heter one must be careful that the damage will not outweigh the gain. The Sefer Chasidim (655) brings a very nice asmachta from the pasuk "In night there are tears and in the morning joy". Often at night something seems tragic but when we wake up we can't remember what was bothering us. Saying lashon hara could ruin someone's reputation and can only be justified if the emotional pain caused is great (Marpeh Lashon 8, page 206).

Husband and Wife

Rav Shternbuch told me that his father wrote a letter to the Chafetz Chaim asking if one spouse could say lashon hara to the other since we have a principle ishto k'gufo. The Chafetz Chaim replied negatively.

Nonetheless Rav Hutner said part of a husband's responsibility for his wife's emotional welfare, and therefore must be that he can hear out her problems. However that is only if he follows all of the other conditions of shemiras halashon (10,2), e.g. that he has intention for toeles.

At times it is better to have an outside confidant if possible since it can put a damper on the relationship if spouses are frequently letting off steam to each other.

Spouses should be especially careful when speaking about their children. A husband or wife might over react and punish more than is deserving. Hitting should almost never be applied today.

The Chafetz Chaim (8,10) specifically says that spouses should not relate to each other everything that someone did to them for this will cause machlokes.

Summation

1. Even though the Chafetz Chaim notes the possibility of a heter to speak lashon hara to remove emotional pain, it is far from a straightforward issue.
2. One can only rely on this leniency if all seven conditions are met.
3. Even then it can only be used occasionally when one really feels great anguish about what happened.
4. The toeless of this shiur is if we are able to remember before speaking that there are conditions required. Something which is on our minds makes and impression on us. If we remember the issue, hopefully we will refrain with more frequency from speaking lashon hara.

Freedom Of Speach, Protecting Ourselves From Speech Related Transgressions

Written by Rabbi Daniel Yaakov Travis

(based on a derasha Leil Shabbos Matos - Maasei

from HaGaon Rav Moshe Sternbuch shlita,

Ravad of Yerushalayim)



Short and to the Point

Generally the Torah introduces a statement, "And Hashem said to Moshe…". In Parshas Matos we find a deviation form this pattern. The Torah writes "And Moshe spoke to the heads of the Matos (tribes) saying..." What is the reason for this change in phrasing?

The pasuk continues, " …this is what you should tell the Jewish people..." In other sections the Torah merely states the concept without this introductory phrase, " This is what…". What justifies adding these words in this parshah?

Most of the Torah was taught to Moshe Rabbeinu in a brief form, and then taught to the rest of Klal Yisrael in a more elaborated version. Parshas Nedarim differs from the rest of the Torah in two ways. Moshe Rabbeinu told it directly to the leaders of Klal Yisrael, and relayed the parshah in the condensed form that he had heard it directly from Hashem.

The Parshah of Nedarim comes to teach us the great power of speech that we have been endowed with. A simple object can be sanctified with kedusha merely by uttering a few words. By saying "This is like a korban" we can even give an object the status of hekdesh.

Similarly, Jewish mouths should be sanctified with words of Torah and Tefilah. Someone who pollutes his speech with lashon hara and other verbal transgressions is destroying this holy gift. His Torah will not affect him and his tefilos will not be accepted by Hashem.

"Life and death are regulated by the tongue". Our Sages revealed to us that eternal life in the next world, or conversely spending the rest of eternity in oblivion depends on how one uses his faculties of speech. Shlomo HaMelech drove this lesson home when he said "Whoever guards his mouth and tongue, spares himself from devastating punishment."

For this reason Parshas Nedarim is written differently than the rest of the Torah. By using the exact concise wording that Hashem had relayed it to Moshe Rabbeinu, Hashem wished to convey how carefully one must deal with the power of the tongue involving Nedarim and all speech related areas. Each word must be weighed prudently lest the wrong word slip out and wreck havoc in the world.

This is why the Torah introduces Nedarim with the words, "This is what Hashem said…" Unlike other parshos which were altered for the sake of clarity and explanation, the Torah used the exact wording to relay this section. This choice of brevity comes to stress how careful one must be when choosing words in any setting.

After the above explanation we can understand why the section of Nedarim had to be taught directly to the leaders of Klal Yisrael. Only great Torah scholars ar capable of fathoming the terse version and then accurately communicating it to the rest of the Jewish people. After they had sufficiently absorbed this section they could teach it to the rest of the Jewish people in their own words.

We should learn from the terse nature of the parsha of Nedarim and apply it to our everyday speech. Great precaution must be exercised when selecting each word that leaves our mouths. Guarding our tongues in this manner will help us to avoid the many speech related transgressions that can easily creep their way into our conversations.

The Final Accounting

On one hand the parsha of Nedarim was written succinctly to teach us how much we have to weigh every word. However at the same time the Torah elaborates on these halachos to teach us how stringent they are. The final judgment on one's speech is from the most arduous aspects of our final din.

Rav Yitzcka Blauzer transcribed the works of his Rebbi Rav Yisrael Slanter, and was one of Rav Yisrael's most famous students. After Rav Yitzchak Blauzer's death, he came to his colleague Rav Chaim Berlin in a dream. Rav Yitzchak reveled to him that while all of the judgments in the next world are difficult, that of speech related sins is amongst the hardest.

Doing teshuva on these transgressions during one's lifetime is no easy task. Constant repetition makes these aveiros almost an inseparable part of our personalities. Only with great effort can we dissect these words from our conversations.

Our Sages teach us that a person is judged on all of his words. Even the simple conversations that he had with his spouses will be included in his final reckoning. Every word needs to be accounted for.

In the past century technology has brought us an array of new gadgets which can transmit and record our words. The Chafetz Chaim noted that these inventions are meant to teach us the great surveillance that takes place on our speech. When the day of din comes all of our words will be played back to us.

The Zohar describes just what this moment will be like. After listening to the words that we said we will beg, "Please give me another opportunity!" The Heavenly Assembly will reply, "Whoever made the effort in their lifetime will reap the reward in the world to come."

How can we guard our tongues successfully? Learning the halachos of Lashon Hara from the sefer Chefetz Chaim certainly has a major impact on the way one speaks. The previous Ger Rebbi, Rav Avraham Mordehai testified on himself that he could feel the effects of one day that he did not learn the halachos of Lashon Hara.


The Nine Days

During the Nine Days, when we make an effort to mourn the Beis Hamikdash, we must be especially careful to guard our tongues. Senseless hatred which expressed itself as lashon hara was one of the main causes of the Temple's destruction. Every generation that the mikdash is not rebuilt, is held accountable as if they had propagated its ruin.

Rav Shternbuch remembers as a bachur in yeshiva, what the Nine Days looked like. Talmidim would fall onto the floor crying over the great loss they felt that the mikdash has not been rebuilt. What a moving sight it was to see such a heartfelt expression of mourning!

Churban Hamikdash means that the Shechinah has left us. Our mourning during these times brings the shechnah back and will eventually lead to the rebuilding of the Temple. May we see the fulfillment soon of what Chazal promised, "All those who mourn the destruction of the Mikdash will merit to experience the joy of its rebuilding.

Protest in Yerushalayim

In a derasha about speech, we cannot ignore the chain of events that has taken place here in Yerushalayim during the past weeks. The authorities have acted atrociously to members of the religious community, treating them as sub humans and animals. One is forbidden to remain quiet while such atrocities take place around us.

Lest we ask what will it help if I protest. Rav Shternbuch Rebbi, the famed Gaon Rav Yiyzchak Zev the Rav oof Brisk offers the following answer. We must internalize his words and recognize that they are halacha lma'aseh during these times/

The Medrash says that when Pharoh decided to sunjagate Klal Yisrael he spoke the issue over with three of his advisers. Billam consented, Yisro fled, and Eyov was quiet. Because Eyov was silent he was tortured with great affliction.

The Brisker Rav asks, why are yesurim considered an appropriate punishment for silence? When a person feels he is being tortured, he screams. Even though his yelling does not help, since he feels excruciating pain he screams. So too when we see chilul Hashem chas vashalom, we too must scream and express our pain.

When we see or hear about the events that the police and authorities performed in the holy city of Yerushalayim, we must feel that the full force of the churban is being felt. We must make our voices heard and show Hashem how much pain we feel. This will arouse Divine mercy and bring an end to their leadership.

However as much as we feel pain one thing is clear. Acting with violence is lowering ourselves to their level and accomplishes nothing. We must make our voices heard while at the same time maintain our dignity. In this way we are standing up for the truth and at the same time sanctifying Hashem's name.

(Rabbi Travis is Rosh Kollel of Kollel Toras Chaim in Yerushalayim and is the author of Shaylos U'Teshuvos Toras Chaim and "Praying With Joy – A Daily Tefilla Companion" a practical daily guide to improving one's prayers, available from Feldheim Publishers. For more information about his work contact dytravis@actcom.com.)

Freedom Of Speach, Protecting Ourselves From Speech Related Transgressions

Written by Rabbi Daniel Yaakov Travis

(based on a derasha Leil Shabbos Matos - Maasei

from HaGaon Rav Moshe Sternbuch shlita,

Ravad of Yerushalayim)

Short and to the Point

Generally the Torah introduces a statement, "And Hashem said to Moshe…". In Parshas Matos we find a deviation form this pattern. The Torah writes "And Moshe spoke to the heads of the Matos (tribes) saying..." What is the reason for this change in phrasing?

The pasuk continues, " …this is what you should tell the Jewish people..." In other sections the Torah merely states the concept without this introductory phrase, " This is what…". What justifies adding these words in this parshah?

Most of the Torah was taught to Moshe Rabbeinu in a brief form, and then taught to the rest of Klal Yisrael in a more elaborated version. Parshas Nedarim differs from the rest of the Torah in two ways. Moshe Rabbeinu told it directly to the leaders of Klal Yisrael, and relayed the parshah in the condensed form that he had heard it directly from Hashem.

The Parshah of Nedarim comes to teach us the great power of speech that we have been endowed with. A simple object can be sanctified with kedusha merely by uttering a few words. By saying "This is like a korban" we can even give an object the status of hekdesh.

Similarly, Jewish mouths should be sanctified with words of Torah and Tefilah. Someone who pollutes his speech with lashon hara and other verbal transgressions is destroying this holy gift. His Torah will not affect him and his tefilos will not be accepted by Hashem.

"Life and death are regulated by the tongue". Our Sages revealed to us that eternal life in the next world, or conversely spending the rest of eternity in oblivion depends on how one uses his faculties of speech. Shlomo HaMelech drove this lesson home when he said "Whoever guards his mouth and tongue, spares himself from devastating punishment."

For this reason Parshas Nedarim is written differently than the rest of the Torah. By using the exact concise wording that Hashem had relayed it to Moshe Rabbeinu, Hashem wished to convey how carefully one must deal with the power of the tongue involving Nedarim and all speech related areas. Each word must be weighed prudently lest the wrong word slip out and wreck havoc in the world.

This is why the Torah introduces Nedarim with the words, "This is what Hashem said…" Unlike other parshos which were altered for the sake of clarity and explanation, the Torah used the exact wording to relay this section. This choice of brevity comes to stress how careful one must be when choosing words in any setting.

After the above explanation we can understand why the section of Nedarim had to be taught directly to the leaders of Klal Yisrael. Only great Torah scholars ar capable of fathoming the terse version and then accurately communicating it to the rest of the Jewish people. After they had sufficiently absorbed this section they could teach it to the rest of the Jewish people in their own words.

We should learn from the terse nature of the parsha of Nedarim and apply it to our everyday speech. Great precaution must be exercised when selecting each word that leaves our mouths. Guarding our tongues in this manner will help us to avoid the many speech related transgressions that can easily creep their way into our conversations.

The Final Accounting

On one hand the parsha of Nedarim was written succinctly to teach us how much we have to weigh every word. However at the same time the Torah elaborates on these halachos to teach us how stringent they are. The final judgment on one's speech is from the most arduous aspects of our final din.

Rav Yitzcka Blauzer transcribed the works of his Rebbi Rav Yisrael Slanter, and was one of Rav Yisrael's most famous students. After Rav Yitzchak Blauzer's death, he came to his colleague Rav Chaim Berlin in a dream. Rav Yitzchak reveled to him that while all of the judgments in the next world are difficult, that of speech related sins is amongst the hardest.

Doing teshuva on these transgressions during one's lifetime is no easy task. Constant repetition makes these aveiros almost an inseparable part of our personalities. Only with great effort can we dissect these words from our conversations.

Our Sages teach us that a person is judged on all of his words. Even the simple conversations that he had with his spouses will be included in his final reckoning. Every word needs to be accounted for.

In the past century technology has brought us an array of new gadgets which can transmit and record our words. The Chafetz Chaim noted that these inventions are meant to teach us the great surveillance that takes place on our speech. When the day of din comes all of our words will be played back to us.

The Zohar describes just what this moment will be like. After listening to the words that we said we will beg, "Please give me another opportunity!" The Heavenly Assembly will reply, "Whoever made the effort in their lifetime will reap the reward in the world to come."

How can we guard our tongues successfully? Learning the halachos of Lashon Hara from the sefer Chefetz Chaim certainly has a major impact on the way one speaks. The previous Ger Rebbi, Rav Avraham Mordehai testified on himself that he could feel the effects of one day that he did not learn the halachos of Lashon Hara.

The Nine Days

During the Nine Days, when we make an effort to mourn the Beis Hamikdash, we must be especially careful to guard our tongues. Senseless hatred which expressed itself as lashon hara was one of the main causes of the Temple's destruction. Every generation that the mikdash is not rebuilt, is held accountable as if they had propagated its ruin.

Rav Shternbuch remembers as a bachur in yeshiva, what the Nine Days looked like. Talmidim would fall onto the floor crying over the great loss they felt that the mikdash has not been rebuilt. What a moving sight it was to see such a heartfelt expression of mourning!

Churban Hamikdash means that the Shechinah has left us. Our mourning during these times brings the shechnah back and will eventually lead to the rebuilding of the Temple. May we see the fulfillment soon of what Chazal promised, "All those who mourn the destruction of the Mikdash will merit to experience the joy of its rebuilding.

Protest in Yerushalayim

In a derasha about speech, we cannot ignore the chain of events that has taken place here in Yerushalayim during the past weeks. The authorities have acted atrociously to members of the religious community, treating them as sub humans and animals. One is forbidden to remain quiet while such atrocities take place around us.

Lest we ask what will it help if I protest. Rav Shternbuch Rebbi, the famed Gaon Rav Yiyzchak Zev the Rav oof Brisk offers the following answer. We must internalize his words and recognize that they are halacha lma'aseh during these times/

The Medrash says that when Pharoh decided to sunjagate Klal Yisrael he spoke the issue over with three of his advisers. Billam consented, Yisro fled, and Eyov was quiet. Because Eyov was silent he was tortured with great affliction.

The Brisker Rav asks, why are yesurim considered an appropriate punishment for silence? When a person feels he is being tortured, he screams. Even though his yelling does not help, since he feels excruciating pain he screams. So too when we see chilul Hashem chas vashalom, we too must scream and express our pain.

When we see or hear about the events that the police and authorities performed in the holy city of Yerushalayim, we must feel that the full force of the churban is being felt. We must make our voices heard and show Hashem how much pain we feel. This will arouse Divine mercy and bring an end to their leadership.

However as much as we feel pain one thing is clear. Acting with violence is lowering ourselves to their level and accomplishes nothing. We must make our voices heard while at the same time maintain our dignity. In this way we are standing up for the truth and at the same time sanctifying Hashem's name.

(Rabbi Travis is Rosh Kollel of Kollel Toras Chaim in Yerushalayim and is the author of Shaylos U'Teshuvos Toras Chaim and "Praying With Joy – A Daily Tefilla Companion" a practical daily guide to improving one's prayers, available from Feldheim Publishers. For more information about his work contact dytravis@actcom.com.)